Struggling with impatience these days. Impatience with my sobriety and impatience with my expectations of life in general.e87f26c6b2e09bfe2dfa353e2640d199--tortoises-recovery-humor

There is a running joke about how people get to their 30s or 40s and realize they’ve either lost sight of their dreams or real life did not turn out be what they imagined.

With my program, I’ve learned that things won’t happen overnight and that I may have to go through the motions before I see or feel results. I guess the same will happen with my personal and spiritual transformation. Maybe those two items are not different.

im-not-an-alcoholic-1_origI’ve been told everything happening right now is meant to be exactly as it is. So my desires and personal needs (from my standpoint) get put on the back burner. Or, maybe I manifest them myself. Stop depending on others to fill my glass; I’ll need to do it myself from now on.

Probably I am over analyzing but I feel like I should act like when I was single. I’m going to have to not only care for myself but have no expectations. If my spouse helps me, great. If not, I will have to find a way to help myself, on my own, without complaint. Be that independent woman I was not too long ago and do it. IMG_20150302_204712

For so long I interpreted my actions by not being so stubborn in asking for help. And now, I’ve asked for so much help, I’ve turned lazy and too dependent.

Here’s hoping this is my rock bottom- that it’s not going to take getting a DUI or losing my job or family in order to hit it.


Road to Health and Wellness

ronda-rousey-do-nothing-bitchRecently I heard a quote from Rhonda Rousey about not being a Do Nothing B!tch and I was inspired. I think I realized- I have recently become a DNB.

I am imparting on a journey I’m not 100% sure I’m ready for- weight loss and health. I once told a trainer, I know I am going to do this at some point, why not start today? I have to take action2011-10-25_08-41-09_700portrait

Part of my target is not worrying too much about the weight number. I am more concerned about how I feel health-wise and how I feel and look in my clothes. I think gaining this weight has helped me learn to appreciate the times I looked good but felt bad about my body image anyway.

I have always been slim. I was skinny as a kid and other than an awkward stage in my teens, I’ve looked slim throughout my life. I lost a healthy amount of weight in my late 20s and felt great! Although I gained some back, I still looked good and felt good.

20150422_092936It was around the time the stock market crashed I began turning to alcohol to relax. Now I’m 44 years old and According to most  calculators, I am about 50-60 pounds overweight! I don’t think I can lose that much, however, I am targeting somewhere around 40 so that my BMI can get back to the 18-25 range.

Right now I am not exercising regularly and I have a drinking problem. I have aches and pains I want to minimize. I am embarrassed to admit what I weigh.

My initial goals are to:

  • Commit myself to the Fast Metabolism Diet and stick to it as closely as I possibly can
  • Start doing yoga againwellness
  • Walk every day for at least 30 minutes
  • Cut off alcohol completely for at least a month, possibly forever
  • Drink 10-12 glasses of water a day.

So here I am on January 5th, 2016, 40-60 pounds overweight depending on what calculator you use.

Disclaimer- I am not saying that people with similar body types are ugly and need to lose weight. I am saying I need to get healthy and I approximate for myself that I will lose around 40 pounds to accomplish this. Wish me luck!

Do I miss my single years?

Friday night, I decided to check out an art gallery in Greensboro to see a friend’s work. I was by myself so I always try to be extra cautious when I move around. Sometimes I take my 9mm with me and sometimes I don’t.

Untitled-1 copyAfter I left, everything was lovely. I was within two miles of my home when I saw a driver swerve into the left lane of a two lane road. At first, I thought he was drunk. If I recall correctly, he partially drove up an embankment. I slammed on my breaks, getting ready to call 911 and possibly identify someone who was a menace when the driver, violently opened his door.

Out he jumps and suddenly I realize someone is on the embankment and he assaults her. I don’t recall how exactly but my memory says he slams her to the ground. I am trying to creep a bit closer to the scene bviolenceut at the same time, don’t want to call too much attention to myself. I try to tell the 911 operator the name of the cross street when the female who was assaulted comes running up to my car.

I open the passenger door and urge her to get in. She begs me not to continue my call to the police. I can tell she’s completely drunk- I can barely understand some of what she says. “Drive, drive, drive…,” she urges me.

I ask her where we’re going and she gives me a general idea and then asks me where we are. I tell her. She babbles about the situation and then tells me she has no shoes. I don’t recall if I asked her why but she eventually tells me “he” bought them for her so he wanted them back.

Yes, it occurred to me she might have been a prostitute. Yes, it occurred to drunk_girls_myspace_0_0_0x0_294x441me I might have been hurt. Yes, it occurred to me this might be a scam. But the urge to help someone who appeared to be in trouble was stronger.

We drove and talked a bit.I asked her if the guy she’d scuffled with would follow us. I tried to navigate my way through her babbling. Sometimes it was silent and eventually she asked me to turn on the radio. At some point she said “you probably have it together, don’t you?” and I giggled. Knowing what a scatterbrain I am and how many issues I have with organization.

We approached her destination and she asked me for money. I pulled $22 from my pocket. As we found her destination, she asked me for my shoes and I gave them to her.

Maybe I was had. Maybe I made the wrong decision. But I’m here and healthy and hope I never had to experience anything like that again.

Is a kitten a good unit to measure cuteness?

Answer by Jayesh Lalwani:

No, the correct unit of measuring cuteness is the squee-second. The cuteness is measured in the number of seconds you go SQUEEEE when you see something cute.

Obviously, the squee-second is an logarithmic unit of measure. something that makes you go squee for 2 seconds is twice as cute as something that makes you go squee for 1 second. Something that makes you go squee for 3 seconds is twice as cute as something that makes you go squee for 2 seconds.

Is a kitten a good unit to measure cuteness?